Tag Archives: marriage

Punishment

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It’s early morning and I’ve been up thinking 💭.

About how my life turned out to be the way it is now.

I just got engaged to my ex husband. It literally sounds weird to say that.

No-one else has been supportive of that decision but the children. Let me sit in that statement.

The ones who were in the home with us are the ones who believe that we can build a better foundation for the future.

They seen the struggle the arguments and the shatter of the marriage. Yet in still our support is coming from the place of hope.

I’m not sorry for trying things that others have said no to. I’m just trying to live with all of the choices I’ve made in the past. Taking them to the realists truths that I can find and hopefully moving forward in peace.

My punishment is my own self esteem being broken into pieces every time I chase something that makes me feel pain, sadness and anger.

I beat myself up after the haze has cleared. When no one is around I analyze my actions over and over again.

This time I want to look back and say I did exactly what I needed to do to be able to wake up in the morning with a positive start and a smile on my face.

– C L Cunningham

Happy Thursday everyone may it bring you happiness, love, and abundance.

Xoxo

Kandee

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This sucks 

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I’ve been gone a little over a month. I’m the one that got tired of my husband cheating and I packed up. Well the other day my husband posted a picture of him and the woman he was sleeping with saying she’s his lady. I’m not completely upset by it. I mean I left him…right. 

So here’s my problem. We aren’t divorced. I’m crushing on someone myself but I don’t know if it’s appropriate to get into anything. Mind you that my husband still commenting on my social media and contacts me telling me how much he misses me. He refuses to talk finances, he refuses to talk about the divorce and he definitely says he will kill anyone who touches me. 

Now how am I supposed to move on with my life? It’s like he’s trying to hold my heart hostage while he’s in a full new relationship. I don’t understand what kind of bullshit he’s trying to pull. I can’t even have a conversation with him because he’s being ridiculously selfish. 

I don’t want this to get uglier than its already been. I’ve accepted the fact that I obviously wasn’t enough for him. I’m evaluating myself and the things I could have done to add to the ending of our marriage. I’m ready to move on too. And I feel like I can’t. I’m technically married I feel like I’m wrong for wanting someone to hold me and be with me but I’m lonely. I can’t wrap my head around the ideal of casual sex. I’m in a catch 22. 

Why should I wait if he isn’t?

This sucks!
C L Cunningham 

Start again

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So I’ve decided to became a born again virgin. I’ve tried to do the single girl thing and go out and party. I tried the online dating thing. And I even tried to convince myself to just go out and have sex with a random dude. Anything to get my mind off my pending divorce. I never wanted to be alone. And I didn’t want just anybody to be sexual with. I thought I had my one and done. But marriages don’t always go as planned and sometimes the sh** does hit the fan. And now I’m stuck with no one to be with and back on the market. 

Sure I fantasized about being with someone before. But the thought and the action are two different things. I mean I think about eating a whole cake with milk but the odds of me doing it are slim to none. So since I’ve spent over a decade of my life sleeping with one man. And today’s dating scene is crazy. Everybody is so willing to jump in bed with you without any spiritual or emotional regard. And I get it. I used to be like that too. It’s just that I’m not the same girl I was and believe me, I’ve tried to go back. 

But I’m different now. My heart is different and my soul is different. I don’t want to mess up this time. I’ve never had a man be faithful to me and I want one that could show me how that feels. And I don’t want to play around with my body and my self esteem while I wait for him. I want my one done and it actually be the right pick. So if it’s not my soon to be ex getting any I guess I won’t be getting any either. 
-C L Cunningham

Why look outside when you got a woman at home? 

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So me being the douchebag that I am I give in to sex with the soon to be ex. And afterward we’re talking and it starts getting heated and I’m about to go off. When he stops and asked how did we go from happy to angry? I and pause and think to myself “right how did we just go from bomb ass sex to an argument?” So I tell him the truth. I tell him how incredibly upset I am by the things that has happened. And  how I actually went from a hoe to a housewife. And how I like to talk to dudes but just haven’t had the guts to have sex with anyone. How much I wanted this man to do what he promised in his wedding vows by being faithful. I told him I knew about the women and how I smell them on him sometimes when he’s on top of me. I told him the truth and how I dream of a day I’ll meet the next man who will do what a husband is supposed to do and be only with his wife. 

He got mad. He did. But it was alright because it made him get real honest… He looked at me and told me how I was the love of his life and how he feared that he couldn’t show me everything that he really liked and how he liked that I’m freaky but that I need to match his freakiness. And that messed me up because I’ve always thought of myself as a really freaky b**ch. 

So me being the douchebag that I am I had to go further. I needed to Dr. Phil this thing. It’s a couple of hours later and now after being flirty and sexy. I ask him. “What did you mean when you said I needed to match your freaky?” And he acted like he didn’t know. So I grabbed his beard and looked in his eyes and said “you know what you mean. Tell me what you mean.” And he casually said “you have it you just don’t use it.” And I’m like “I have it?” He’s like “yes, you have it. It’s something that’s inside of you but you just won’t use it.” And I swear to you it hit me like a brick. In that moment I knew exactly what he meant. And I KNEW I was holding on to it. Like a sneaky surprise when he could finally prove he deserved it. And it made me sad that the one thing he was looking for in me I actually was holding it back and other women were just handing it out to him. That there was something he could have literally gotten from home that I just couldn’t and wouldn’t give to him because emotionally I just wasn’t ready. That deep inside I never really trusted him with my heart and that he was desperate for the one thing I really wasn’t giving him. And what’s worst is that he’s not going to get it no time soon. Because he’s done so much dirt that now I’m even farther away from giving it to him than I was before. 

C L Cunningham

Then now and always 

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I got married to the man I thought I’d spend forever with. I loved his smile and his scent. I loved the way he looked at me and the way he touched me. I loved how excited he was to be married to me. 
I noticed the change . I noticed that he felt out of place in his new home with his new kids and his new life. I wanted to make it easy on him I tried not to nag to much or push to hard. I opened the door for his children’s mothers to meet me and became the go between for his kids. I wanted a happy family a blended family. I always wanted ten kids and I got blessed with eleven. I wanted to be happy. 
He acted out like a child. Hell he still acts out like a child. But I never wanted him to be anything other than himself. A better version of himself would come with time I thought. It would get better, he would be better because he told me so. 
Time keeps moving along and I’m the one that’s changed. I’m angry and sad. I’m starting to be mean. I’m trying not to let it change me but the damage is done and I’m losing the fight, I’m losing myself, and I’m losing him. 
 I cry every time I think of leaving him. I worked so damn hard to get this. I’ve worked so hard to maintain it. Every time I try to go something keeps pulling me back. I hear his cries and see his pain but it’s not enough he’s not hurt enough. And I don’t want to see it when he does finally feel the pain. Because I don’t ever want to see him hurting even though I know I have to be the one to hurt him. I loved him then I love him now I’ll love him always. 

By C L Cunningham