My kind of night

Weeping thoughts of things lovers do to fool you into being captured again.

Touch of a hand while stealing a kiss. Trying to make me remember regret at it’s finest.

I push them aside as I stare up at this half moon and put the ring back on the shelf.

We have nothing more than friendship at best. Standing the test of time and the space it takes to let your vices take over.

C L Cunningham

Tick tick boom

My anger has reached an all time high today. I won’t let it get in my way. I went from venting to chastising. From chastising to boxing. From boxing to mediation. 

From mediation to the home that’s within myself.

I will find a healthy medium. My goals are self motivated. My heart isn’t yet mended and my fear of finding someone true seems to be more relevant everyday. I thought I had faced my anger. But I guess that I just tucked it away to appear normal. It was buried deep down inside where I didn’t even know it was. I’m sure the pressure to be silent had something to do with it. The pressure to work through it doesn’t make it better it just covers it up. 

Now that I’m free it’s front and center and needing to be healed so here I am healing it. Mediational music calms my soul and spirit. Thank goodness for this form of health care. 

There’s no bottle that I can drink myself under. There’s no puff of smoke that takes it away. They’re just there to conceal the pain. I have no vices to use. Today I haven’t use any. Just me and my truth. Me and my heart. Me and my feelings. Healing. I am healing. I deserve to heal. To deal with the failures and reactions of my past. The choices for my future and the benefits this healing will bring into my future. 

I’m finding my way. It looks different than I had hoped and it will be alright in the end. I just have a feeling that I’m in for an unexpected surprise for the future. 

Gifts come and go. Friends aren’t always friends forever but as I grow the truth will come out. Set me free again and build me up if ever again I fall. Lamar Odom Jr said it best yesterday on the Victoria secret fashion show. Fall seven times get up eight. I’m still standing. All because I won’t let nothing get me down. There went the boom. 

It’s out of my system for tonight. I pray that it doesn’t return tomorrow but just in case it does I have the coping skills to handle it. I put some mediation music down below for anyone with a ticking clock inside of them to help through the bs of the world. 
C. L Cunningham 

Namaste 

It’s truly away of life✨🌙

My truth is my blog

This is my blog and I can say what I want. My life isn’t always rainbows and rose petals. Some parts of my life are dark and scary. And I want to be real authentic even by telling you my truth. I have to because this may be all that’s left of my memory…my words. 

The next few days will be trying to say the least about it. But to expect the most of what will happen next. I smile thinking about it. 

I have watched Sleeping with the enemy and Enough in preparation. I have done a run down and practice scenarios. I have convinced myself that if he puts his hands on me that I have to do what’s in my best interests for survival. 

But even in saying that…I still love this man. And would just like for the drama to end and a new beginning to begin. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of hating him. I found a book about forgiveness and I would love to start forgiving. Unfortunately I can’t begin that journey yet. But soon. I get to start soon. 

Right now I’m just Moma bear protecting her cubs… if people can sing and rap about their pain I can write about mine.. without judgement.

Til next time
C L Cunningham 

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