Confused 

I took less than I was worth to be a wife…

I knew it. I didn’t care. He was nice enough.  He was caring enough. He made me smile enough. And he was the better than the rest. So it was enough. 

I needed and wanted to be married. I was crazy with three kids. He wasn’t a perve as far as I could tell and my kids liked him. Hell everyone in the city seemed to like him except his baby momas. And even they deep down inside still liked him.

I wanted to be a good Christian wife. One my parents could be proud of. At one point I became a minister. 

I skimmed over my infertility issues. Lord forgive me… Because I just knew the Lord had me covered. If we couldn’t do it on our own. Then I had a plan for that too. We’d get a gestational carrier. At one point we had one and she couldn’t do it because she got pregnant…I scream!!!! at the universe for this all the time. He needed one of his own everyday it’s the one thing  he wanted. And I failed him.. And I’m sorry. Carlos I’m sorry…

I put up with his indiscretions because of it. The rest of it wasn’t bad. He treats me like a princess when it’s good and like Harley Quinn when it’s bad.

And now that I don’t know if I love him anymore it’s just a weird space. A very lonely space a kind of autopilot place. 

I fell in love with someone else. I think he knows or maybe he’s not sure. Because I kept him as a friend. I know better than to be a complete whore.  Even though I owe him 1 if I chose to. Because that was the deal we made. 

I always told him if I actually went through with it. Or wanted to. It would be because I was in love. 

Funny the things we say in advance without knowing. 

But I deserve better and we both know it. And he wants a chance to redeem himself. And I’m just starting to find myself…

I feel very confused. I don’t want to make a mistake or waste any more time…

C. L Cunningham 

Hoping your days are going better than mine.🌹

One thought on “Confused 

  1. Hi Kandee! Thank you for sharing your heart!
    Thank you for stopping by The Little Red Wagon blog and liking my post
    https://thelittleredwagonblog.wordpress.com/2017/04/17/sunday-wonder-light-joy
    You might enjoy reading the previous post that Sunday was the sequel to:
    https://thelittleredwagonblog.wordpress.com/2017/04/16/saturday-silent-dark-cold
    I pray your heart is filled with the love and joy of Jesus!

    Peace and blessings,
    Marcy

    Liked by 1 person

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