A quick post

Thank you YHWH 🙌 

My kids have heard me say recently that I want to know what I am. I could just tell I was different. 

I couldn’t explain it. I just knew. I have friend Erika who kept telling me that I wasn’t crazy. And lo and behold she was right!!!!!!!!#!!

I going to take my personality info and try to figure some stuff out with my newfound excitement. 

C. L Cunningham 

I knew I needed info on dimensions y’all 😉

With you

If we’re going to do this.

At some point we are going to have to shut the world out.

It should only be me and you in this room no matter how many people are watching…. 

I’m not what you are. But I know everything we could be.

I’m not ready but I’m ready (if you can understand what that means)

But I’d like to try. I mean if that’s alright with you. 

C.L Cunningham 

Just a thought 

I like to watch foreign films. It doesn’t matter if the film has subtitles or is dubbed into English. I just enjoy watching how people in different countries live.

But there’s one thing that remains true everywhere. There are people in every country suffering or hurting. 

There are people all over the world crying out for change. Living conditions are strained everywhere. Laws of the lands are being challenged everywhere. But how do we help each other?  

As humans we are naturally flawed. But how does the world heal itself? How does anything change if the people in the world aren’t in agreement on how and what to heal?  

C. L Cunningham 

Wondering what I can do to help?💜

Wishing everyone everywhere love and peace 🌍

The science of my past

I am on the journey to self discovery. There’s some things in my past that I would like to uncover the meanings of.

Today that journey lead me to the need to look up quantum physics.

I go in the library and I make my way over to the information station. There’s a young gentleman there and we exchange pleasantries. When he asked me for what I was looking for I said  “I need to find books on quantum physics”. He paused for a second and said “wow quantum physics. Thats above my pay grade”. I smile and wait for the numbers to that section of the library.

So I begin reading on what I need to know and all the information is leading me to look for something on the fifth dimension.

I gather all the books up and put them back on the shelves. I go back to the information desk. This time there’s a silvered-hair lady at the computer.  I tell her I’m looking for something on the fifth dimension.

She looks me up and down and asked if that was some sort of singing group?  I made a face on accident or maybe on purpose so she then she added ” or are you looking for the actual fifth dimension? ” I say that I want the actual fifth dimension. She gives me the number to the section and I look up the book she suggested.

Bingo!

C. L Cunningham

Trying to uncover something from my ancestors 💫

Oh my 

So I should be sleep. I literally have to leave soon and I haven’t been sleep. 

But someone just made it aware to me that I can come off as a bit of a bitch.Uh here’s the thing…I already know. 

I’m not purposely trying to be a bitch. My personality is aggressive at times and sometimes I just don’t think about it. I mean if what I am saying doesn’t pertain to you..

My friends know to be like.. look at it from this point of view. Or just agree to disagree and move on.

I literally am the girl who had a whole group of people male and female chanting “we hate Candy” in job corps. My friend Bree can tell this in a way more hilarious way. But the point I’m making is that sometimes unknowingly and sometimes knowingly…I can be a bitch.

So if I ever wronged you on accident I sincerely apologize. If I wronged you on purpose I kinda apologize depending on what you did 😂. Nah I’m kidding. I apologize to you too because that ain’t right.  

I’m old as a fuck and I’m just trying to clean out my karma and chill seriously. 

Ps. My family just laughs or bags back. I just broke on (told a mean joke about)  my cousin’s two year old early today. She laughed but just in case..sorry cousin I love you boo!

C. L Cunningham 

Okay maybe now I can go to sleep💤

The beauty of starting over 

So I decided to delete my Instagram for the second time. 

I’m sure people will say it’s crazy. “You had over 6000 following. You were on your way”. Hell I heard it twice today already. 

But where was I on my way to? I had 61 percent men. Who weren’t buying books or reading my blog. They were waiting for ass shots. And though I love looking at myself (please believe me *in my Taraji P Henson voice*) that certainly isn’t  what I am aiming for.

I just felt a ton of negative, fake and an unreal depressing energy on that Instagram. 

Hopefully I can bring a better more focused and more cautious approach to my social media now. Before it was all about the likes and the follows. Now I just want a safe comfortable space.

I want to follow people with purpose and beautiful auras. Not just pretty faces and top celebrities. But people who can inspire others to be better humans. I want to not only be a good writer but a good human. And sometimes you need mentors for that. 

Sometimes you want people who will give you positive insight. Positive energy in general especially as a creative. We all need a virtual community who can lift us up on our journeys…right? 

C.L Cunningham 

Wishing you all a safe nite and a beautiful peaceful mindset 🌙

Walking in my truth

Yesterday was a tough blog. When I say I don’t like to think about the past. Believe it.

I’ve got enough woes to fill a river. If not a river then at least a stream. 

I need some positive energy and social media is draining. I started this when my grandfather passed. Just to vent at the universe. 

Now I don’t know how I want to continue. I’m at a crossroads. I don’t know exactly how many people are reading along. I don’t know how many people I want or am comfortable with following along truthfully. 

I asked him if he was okay with me telling about my life and his role in it. He said well you’re telling the truth and I can’t be mad at that. 

I guess at anytime that this becomes a load I can no longer bare then I will stop immediately. My mental health takes preference over anything else. I told my friend that I’m a little too real.( A little too open bookish.)

I may tailor or tweak the way I do my storytelling. I haven’t decided yet. Plus I have a habit of flying by the seat of my pants so there’s that aspect. 

Today I just want to wish you all sunshine in the middle of rain. That’s from an old song. And a redone song too. (Sorry I don’t remember the names but if you know put both in the comments) 

Until next time xoxo

C.L Cunningham 

Going to look for something to smile about 😉

So nice it had to happen twice

I don’t want to write this post.

But I feel an overwhelming feeling that I’m supposed to. I’ve written 1 poem about my rape. But then it happened again almost exactly 10 years later. 

I was 18 and having a grad party. My sister had gotten me the prettiest dress. It was a skinny strapped dress with floral print. 

I didn’t think the dress was sexy or anything like that. I just wanted to look good. 

The dress was the talk of graduation. The whispers and the looks from other girls. The guys were asking me to open my robe and take pictures. I declined most simply because there wasn’t time. My parents got me there just in time to walk and someone had seen me outside by the car so that is how the gossip about the dress started.

Afterwards we had a nice grad party at my sister’s apartment. My family was there my friends were there. My boyfriend at the time even showed up. He was 2 years younger and went to a different school. So when I told him I was about to leave and go to the party everyone from school  was having at a hotel he had an attitude. 

I should have taken it as a sign. Or maybe I should have taken his feelings into consideration. But I didn’t. My homegirls wanted to go so we went. He was concerned about my drinking because I was a bit of a drunk at the time. So I promised not to drink. I kept that promise. (But later wished I hadn’t) 

Everyone got drunk. The homegirl B (I won’t use her name or any names) got super thrown and her man D who I had been friends with since 7th grade sent her home with other people.  Once that happened he made a move on the other homegirl DD. 

She was on one too and was DTF. I told her that I didn’t think it was a good ideal. What about B? She said she had been waiting on him to ask and she really wanted too. So I needed to be dropped off and I wanted to make sure she would be safe. It was a car full of dudes and I didn’t care if she gave it up to 1 but I had a bad feeling about her leaving with all 5 of them. 

The car ride started off bad. There was a guy super hell bent on fucking me. I cussed him out. I told the driver to let me out and that I’d walk home. The driver started getting loud too. So now I’m extra mad. The guy is saying shit like he’s gonna make me do something. I look at DD like lets just walk. Fuck this. But D is saying “be koo, ain’t nothing gonna happen to you. “

He lied.

I won’t go into full specifics and there is a police report. 

That night I learned what ” flipped ” meant. A girl who allows more than one guy to have sex with her at one time. I did not know DD was a flipper.

I grew up a Jehovah’s Witness. I was street but I was still naive. 

That night was horrible. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house. I wasn’t allowed to use the phone. I wasn’t allowed to go to the bathroom by myself. I wasn’t  allowed to talk to DD alone. At one point I was told that somebody better shut me up before the big mixed guy did it for me. (He was scary). The guy that raped me actually saved me from him. He told him he could keep me quiet. And then he told me that it would be bad if I didn’t.  I asked for someone to get D. He had his turn on DD and I thought him being my friend would give me leverage to leave.

I go to him and say let me talk to you. And he acted super concerned. He took me off away from the other 3. One had left at some point. We left them 3 with DD. I told him what happened and I’m just about to cry (I used to never cry) when I feel his hand. I snap right out of sadness. You’ve got to be kidding me…nigga you too. He starts talking about how he’s always wanted me and how big my butt was in that dress. And how everybody in school wanted to hit but I was too stingy with mine. 

The room started spinning. There was no way I was getting raped twice in one night. I told him he was messed up. I told him we were friends only. I told him I loved B. She was a good friend. I told him if DD wanted to be like that..that’s her business, but I’m not her. He tried some more. I said I was sore. That made him think. I said are you gonna rape me too? He got scared. He left me in the dark room and then my original rapist came back in. He told me not to stir up trouble. I spent the rest of the night curled in a ball..in that dress. 

The next day me and DD reunited. I asked her what did she do? Why didn’t she tell me she was like that?  I told her they thought I was like her or something. She apologized. She said she didn’t know what was happening. She was too busy fucking… We never spoke again. 

I told the police. They took my pretty dress and underwear. They took my statement.  I only knew one name. D’s name.. I told my parents and my boyfriend. They took me back to the house. We confronted the scary mixed guy. I guess it was his house.

My people handled it the street way. They found all of them .

Fast forward 10 years.

I loved him. K was an addiction . I spent 3 1/2  years being a fool for him. I helped raise his daughter who I adored. I fought with my 2 cousins over him. Yes he slept with us all. Unknowly at first but once we all found out. Two of us didn’t stop. 

I had his name tattooed on me. I thought that he was my heart. But the other cousin got pregnant and things got messy. Family from out of town got in it. So I decided to get me a new man.

In steps my current husband. We decided to get married and leave all the people we were currently messing with alone. That meant K could no longer have access to me. 

He was pissed. He started breaking in my house. We lived next door to each other. So he would know my every move without me telling him. I would go to barber school and he would have a load of the baby’s clothes in my washing machine even though I never said he could come over. He stood watching me and the new man outside my window. He even broke in and watched us sleep one night. That’s when I got scared. 

But he still had my cousin so I thought he’d eventually get bored and just move on.

When I got married. He acted like we were still friends. My husband was in jail for some past mess with someone he thought was a friend and later found out he wasn’t. 

K became more caring than he ever was. He would offer help and get mad when I didn’t take it. But he had an ace in the hole. He had his baby. I loved her. She loved me. She was my baby too. We set up visiting times and co-parented. He had full custody so he delegated her life.

I was just happy that we were on good terms. Yeah he was being creepy but I assumed that he was just realizing who and what I was to him. And now he was missing that old thang. I figured he’d get over me.

Well…he didn’t. 

I was just happy to have some help. I had secretly married this new guy nobody in my family knew about. While he was still in jail no doubt. (Me n my wayward emotions. Oh fly at the seat of my pants ass negro).

I needed help. The water got cut off because I was saving money to move. My new mother in law made it very clear that her son would not be coming home to no mess. And me living next door to my ex who’s acting creepy was messy. I totally agreed with her and was in the process of fixing the situation. 

K called me and asked could I come sit with baby girl. My kids were gone and I  was in need of a hot shower so I said that I would watch her. I also asked could I take a shower while I did. He said sure. He also said that I could have some food out the freezer for the kids. I was appreciative and happy I was getting a hot shower.

I came over asked where’s baby girl. He said my cousin was about to bring her. I asked was it okay with her that I was over. He said yes. I decided to hurry and take my shower. He said there would be no funny business because I asked before I went in. He assured me that he was on his way out.

I go in I start my shower. I heard the door slam I figured he had left or that babygirl had come in. So I started rushing. 

I didn’t hear him come in.

My back was turned and I felt the wind from the shower curtain move. I was in shock. I asked what the fuck he was doing? He pushed his body up against me. He picked me up. I weighed about 125 pounds to his 6’2 300 plus.

I swarmed and got out of his arms. I ran out the bathroom grabbing my clothes. He caught me in the hallway. He picked me up again. He threw me in the room. 

I started talking..fast. I tried to reason with him. That the baby was coming home. That I had a man. That he didn’t even like me really. That he was being ridiculous.

He had me pinned. He told me he loved me. He said that nobody could have me until he was done with me. And he wasn’t done. 

I started begging. 

Please don’t do this to me. I don’t love you I love him. You had your chance. You said we were friends. You said you wouldn’t touch me.

He looked me in my eyes. I yelled at him. I started crying. His eyes went cold. He put his head down. I took a breath. I had seen that look before. I knew what was about to happen. I whisper “oh God no”.

He let me know exactly how mad he was. He did what he did in the meanest way possible. He tore my body, he bruised my body, he killed a part of my spirit. All because I had moved on. And because he was selfish. 

When he finished his eyes returned to normal. He called me a cry baby. I slapped him as many times as he would allow. He picked up my clothes and gave them to me. He left me standing in his house as he walked away.

I called my friend. 

She told me to call the police. I took a cold shower instead. I cried on the floor. I don’t know if baby girl ever came to the house because I left.

I went to my house and waited for my kids to come home. I avoided everyone else all day. I didn’t take me husband’s calls. I wanted to kill myself. 

Next day I called the police. I called the jail and had the preacher give my husband the news. My mother in law went to the hospital with me. She wanted to make sure I wasn’t lying. 

She watched them take pictures of my bruises. She watched them give me the morning after pill. She left when I undressed and she seen my legs. I’m sure it wasn’t a pretty sight.

They picked him up and took him to jail. He got out in 1 day. He came to my house and stood outside my window. He smiled at me. He laughed at me. He turned the story on me. Said that I liked it ruff. Told about our 3 year relationship said I was just being difficult and that I must be feeling guilty. That I came over free willing. 

The police told me that the case would be hard to prove. That he could lose custody… I let it go.

I moved and he continued to stalk me. To the point that when my husband got out there was still beef. He handled it his way. The street way. 

K finally gave up. Even though from time to time he would pop up at my job. He and I made it water under the bridge. We continued to co-parent through the daycare. I would bring the kids to visit babygirl. She is my little cousin so there’s no way that I wouldn’t look out for her. He and I didn’t speak for a while. 

I always think how if he would have left well enough alone that we probably would have gotten back together. If he just would have let me bump my head. I would have seen that my husband wasn’t the one.  

But because he did what he did I could never trust him again ever.. That he actually brought us closer together. Because he put my husband  in the position to fight for my honor and he stepped up.

I can’t help but see the mistakes I made. The bad choices that lead up to the events. The bad choices after. I tell my story in hopes that it serves as a warning. Or maybe a lesson. I share my story to let go of some of my nightmares and fears.

C. L Cunningham 

Trying to release the boogie men in my mind. 

Anniversary 

Well friend it’s obvious that this isn’t happening today…

I smile as I write this. 

I want you to know that. It’s okay  things went the way they did. We were always friends first anyway. 

Here’s to friendship 💜 even if we never get right. I still got your back.

C. L Cunningham 

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