Posted in Blog, Dark, deep thoughts, Freshly pressed, late night, life, Love, Me, Picture, Poem, Poems, Short stories, Uncategorized, writer, Writing

The untouchables

Why do I always fall for the untouchable men? 

With untouchable hearts and untouchable minds. 

They have no trust and they have no damn time. 

They use their bodies like they’re garbage pails 

and they try to love you but they’re love always fails. 
Why do I fall for men who don’t want me? 

I imagine happy ever afters and true romance. 

With men who never will even give my love a chance. 

They want multiple women and drugs that never end. 

They want you on your back and for your happiness to be pretend. 

They want you to ignore their mistakes and for you to applaud their lies. 

They don’t care if your hurt and they don’t want to hear your cries.
I tend to pick the damaged because I’m damaged too.

But maybe it’s time to change my image of myself,

It’s okay to start a new….

Because if I keep picking untouchable men

I’ll be a bitter and untouchable fool..
C L Cunningham 

Posted in Artist, Blog, Dark, deep thoughts, Freshly pressed, late night, life, Love, Me, Music, National poetry month, Picture, Poem, Poems, Short stories, Uncategorized, writer, Writing

Silence 

Sitting at home waiting on him. I’m trying to call and I get no answer and no call back. Finding myself crying slow tears because I’m feeling rejected and confused. Does he even like me does he even care? Then morning comes and he’s apologizing and affectionate…What just happened? I mean I’m his wife why would he do this? His silence is my rejection. 
Excited because this could be the one. I’m taking a chance talking to him. I mean I’m still married and even though he’s cheating it doesn’t mean I should…right? But he’s 10years younger. Tall and sexy. We text and sext almost everyday. He makes me feel naughty,like I’m pretty, like I’m smart. But there’s times when he doesn’t answer for over 24hrs. But he’s begging me to leave him and come to him. He doesn’t have what we have, he isn’t ready like I’m ready. But I’m willing and now I’m confused. So I back up and stop replying on purpose to remind him of what’s at stake but I’m feeling his silence and it starts to feel like rejection. 
I like him. I want him. I need him. He’s everything that I’m not but everything that I am. I left my marriage. Hell I left my state. I’m beyond infatuated….I’m lost. Wrapped up in his essence. But sometimes I feel the connection and sometimes I don’t. Feeling lost in the sauce. Tired of shooting my shot. I hear that same silence and it always feels like rejection.
C L Cunningham 

Posted in Artist, Blog, Dark, deep thoughts, Freshly pressed, late night, life, Love, Me, National poetry month, Poem, Short stories, Uncategorized, writer, Writing

This sucks 

I’ve been gone a little over a month. I’m the one that got tired of my husband cheating and I packed up. Well the other day my husband posted a picture of him and the woman he was sleeping with saying she’s his lady. I’m not completely upset by it. I mean I left him…right. 

So here’s my problem. We aren’t divorced. I’m crushing on someone myself but I don’t know if it’s appropriate to get into anything. Mind you that my husband still commenting on my social media and contacts me telling me how much he misses me. He refuses to talk finances, he refuses to talk about the divorce and he definitely says he will kill anyone who touches me. 

Now how am I supposed to move on with my life? It’s like he’s trying to hold my heart hostage while he’s in a full new relationship. I don’t understand what kind of bullshit he’s trying to pull. I can’t even have a conversation with him because he’s being ridiculously selfish. 

I don’t want this to get uglier than its already been. I’ve accepted the fact that I obviously wasn’t enough for him. I’m evaluating myself and the things I could have done to add to the ending of our marriage. I’m ready to move on too. And I feel like I can’t. I’m technically married I feel like I’m wrong for wanting someone to hold me and be with me but I’m lonely. I can’t wrap my head around the ideal of casual sex. I’m in a catch 22. 

Why should I wait if he isn’t?

This sucks!
C L Cunningham 

Posted in Blog, Dark, deep thoughts, Freshly pressed, late night, life, Love, Me, Picture, Poem, Short stories, Uncategorized, writer, Writing

It was all a dream pt.1

Sitting in this hotel room bored and looking at my phone. Suddenly I get a notification. It’s a DM on my IG so I open it up expecting it to be some guy who has nothing to say but wants someone to stroke his ego. I’m fully prepared to play to the game because I have tricks of my own. So I open it up and I just about piss on myself..I can’t believe it this nigga has finally answered me back. This dude right here is the Mr. Big to my Carrie Bradshaw. I mean I’m about to be childish and jump around but I don’t want anyone else to see my ridiculous display of excitement. I read the message and it simply says “Ready?”

Now I’m puzzled as fuck but me being the smart ass that I am I reply “Always”.

So I wait and wait..a damn hour goes by and his game playing ass responds “what’s the address?” I’m like huh? Then I remember that I told his ass to send me a uber like 3 weeks ago. So I put the address on. Within seconds he says ” Be outside in 1hr 30 mins. I put “K” partly because I can’t believe it and partly because I’m annoyed by the limited content of these DM’s…

But I shake that shit off faster than a roach with the lights on. I jump up and try to find something to wear. I’m frantically throwing stuff out the one bag of clothes I brought on my run away trip to destination California. I put on the best combination of bullshit I can find. Whip my hair up into a good enough hair do and have my daughter do my makeup. I mean I’m an okay looking chic but I’m sure he’s had a plenty of bad bitches and I’m just a real one…( what can I say I’m super basic like old girl in 50 shades).

Time goes by and I take my ass down stairs to wait for something to pull up and say get in. It’s a black SUV with tint windows I assume that it’s for me and I’m right. The driver gets out opens the door and asks for my name. I get in and we head onto the 215.

Now everything is going through my mind. I’m about to be like yo just let me out I’m not even about this life. I haven’t had another man touch me in over 12yrs. I’m freaking out and punking out the further we drive but I have to suck it up because me and my mouth just cashed a check we don’t know how to cover and the driver just pulled over to a sports car and stopped… oh shit… it’s not him. It’s someone else. Dude calls me by my name and tells me to get into the passenger seat. I’m like stranger danger I’m not going to do that. So he starts laughing at me. I don’t know what is funny but I know I’m about to pull out my blade. He pulls out his phone dials a number and hands it to me.

I’m super close to cussing this mutha fucka all the way out but as soon as I say hello his ol deep lumberjack sounding ass says ” could you get yo ass in the car”. I’m both shocked and appalled but I like being told what to do by a man who’s not intimidated by my hood mentality. Plus he said it so strong I damn near splash myself.. I for real got turned on. So I open the door and get in. I hand dude his phone back without one word. He laughs at me again and this time I laugh too, I did just get checked and it wasn’t a thing I would do about it. He turns up his music and I sit back and watch the lines in the road go by..this is happening now so I guess I’ll go with it…

We start hitting some back roads to what seems to be nowhere but obviously it’s nowhere I’ve been before. We end up where there’s some pretty nice looking houses. Now I’ve been to a couple of mansions in my day. My soon to be ex knew people in low places with big bank accounts and since we both have been on the opposite side of the law I was never impressed by the finer things. I’ve sold and dated those who sold. I got into the music business helping a few get their foot in the door. I’ve done the radio station and celebrity street team scenes. I’ve been there for the shine and found a way to shine myself. My old house wasn’t a snooze fest it just wasn’t like this.

So dude parks amongst the other cars and we get out. He walks me up to a big ass door and just pushed his way into the house. Music is blaring and the lights are dim. Perfect bitches are everywhere. I mean these hoes have hoes. The men are dressed in expensive ass regular looking clothes. If it wasn’t for the labels I wouldn’t know the difference. I’m watching all this soaking it up and thinking to myself “this dude invited me to a damn party!” I don’t want my first face to face to be in front of a ton of people. I mean what if he takes one look at me doesn’t like what he sees and now I’m stuck at a fucking party in my feelings. But there ain’t shit I can do about it now so I continue to follow dude. He ask me if I smoke. I’m like yeah so he hands me a pre rolled and I say thank you. He also asks me if I want anything else. I say no thanks and he tells me he’s gonna find Mr. Big Shot. I say okay and try to find a wall to wallflower.

The music is good but the atmosphere is wack. Dudes are being straight disrespectful and the hoes and their hoes are eating it up. Some girl is in the corner doing way too much and I’m sure her moms would disapprove of all of it. I walk up some stairs with a small amount of room for me to sit down. I open up the pre rolled to check and see if I see something I’m not comfortable with in it. It looks koo so I reach for my lighter and light it up. Now I’ve got one leg up and the other stretched long. I’m letting the vibe of the music calm my nerves or maybe it’s the herb giving me comic sense of control. I’m feeling like Alessia Cara…wtf am I doing here? From afar I see a tall drink of water. He’s a smiley all teeth sexy specimen. I stare for more than a minute because I can tell he hasn’t seen where I’m sitting. I’m watching him work the crowd and work the bitches. I’d get jealous but if he didn’t want me here I damn sure wouldn’t have gotten the ride.

It takes him awhile to find me and he looks up at the stairs and shakes his head..I’m sure he doesn’t know what to do with my anti social ass but I believe he has some type of plan up his sleeve…

C L  Cunningham

Posted in Artist, Blog, Dark, deep thoughts, Freshly pressed, late night, life, Love, Me, Music, Picture, Poems, Uncategorized, writer, Writing

Don’t look back

I don’t want the fear of rejection and abandonment to stop me from loving or living again. 12 years is a long time to forget. Right or wrong good or bad it was still my life.I’ve got to learn to forgive myself for any mistakes I may have made. And move on from any mistakes he made. 
I chose to leave. I looked him in the face and told him I would be back and I didn’t come back. But I didn’t completely let go…now I’m trying to let him go. Not just for me but for my kids and for him. We’re so used to using each other for acceptance that we won’t pull away from the safety net of our relationship. 
We were always friends first and right now we can’t be friends. We can’t be anything until,we move on. We failed at staying together and I don’t want to fail at being apart. Sometimes you have to leave…
C L Cunningham 

Posted in Blog, deep thoughts, Freshly pressed, late night, life, Love, Me, Music, Poems, Short stories, Uncategorized, writer, Writing

Posting 

I post you post…you post I post. It’s funny how the time and space between us shortens by the stroke of some keys on a screen. I want to be where you are to the point of anticipation that I’ll settle for a glimpse into your world.

Funny…

How life puts you in touch with a dream. It let’s you peek through a glass window like window shopping at the mall but then doesn’t hear your disappointment as you walk away..

I want something real. I want someone that I can call on at night and kiss in the morning…

Nights are lonely and days are cold when your wishing on a star… 

Post are good but conversations are better. And music is good for the ears but your lips could be better for my soul. 

Maybe I’ll never know…

Or maybe….

Naw let me keep that to myself.. and just…post.
C L Cunningham