When loneliness sets in 

When he would be gone on the road I could be understanding. I would know it was mostly for work. But when he would come in from the road and try to still be gone I lost patience. Because now he can physically be here and just didn’t want to be. He’d want to give me the first day or two and then be gone the rest. Maybe pop in because I needed something or he wanted to have sex. But like clockwork he’d eventually be gone again. 

After a while what he put into the house became less than the time he put outside the house. By this time I knew it wasn’t the work keeping him gone it just added to the time he was away. 

I was always puzzled at how he didn’t see it coming. Maybe he was too busy being gone to notice. But I didn’t care. I mean it hurt and all but I started not to miss him anymore. The calls were less on my side. I’d give him a text or two to help him feeling good about being gone. I learned that if he didn’t call he was ok and if he did call he was either on some bs or was about to be on some bs. Either way I was thinking of everything under the  sun whether it was true or not. I was cursing about what a damn fool he was  for not being around enough to show me he was anything better than what I was thinking.

He just started giving me too much alone time. I never wanted to be alone. I could be single and be alone. I could be meeting people and finding new love instead of being alone. I started to be so used to being alone that being around him became difficult. I loss my drive to care. 

The infidelity was just the icing on the cake. It was the middle finger his sappy text and his social media post couldn’t cover up. He’d tell me whatever needed to be said to calm the situation.

And then we’d try to put it back together. We’d spend more time together. We’d have more sex than we had been having. And it would feel good again for a little bit. But old habits would come creeping in and things would go back to how they were. 

And once again I’d be…Lonely
C L Cunningham

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