I got married to the man I thought I’d spend forever with. I loved his smile and his scent. I loved the way he looked at me and the way he touched me. I loved how excited he was to be married to me.
I noticed the change . I noticed that he felt out of place in his new home with his new kids and his new life. I wanted to make it easy on him I tried not to nag to much or push to hard. I opened the door for his children’s mothers to meet me and became the go between for his kids. I wanted a happy family a blended family. I always wanted ten kids and I got blessed with eleven. I wanted to be happy.
He acted out like a child. Hell he still acts out like a child. But I never wanted him to be anything other than himself. A better version of himself would come with time I thought. It would get better, he would be better because he told me so.
Time keeps moving along and I’m the one that’s changed. I’m angry and sad. I’m starting to be mean. I’m trying not to let it change me but the damage is done and I’m losing the fight, I’m losing myself, and I’m losing him.
I cry every time I think of leaving him. I worked so damn hard to get this. I’ve worked so hard to maintain it. Every time I try to go something keeps pulling me back. I hear his cries and see his pain but it’s not enough he’s not hurt enough. And I don’t want to see it when he does finally feel the pain. Because I don’t ever want to see him hurting even though I know I have to be the one to hurt him. I loved him then I love him now I’ll love him always.
By C L Cunningham