How can I ask him to heal me when I don’t know how to heal myself? To want him to put in the work to save my heart when I don’t know if I’m wanting to be saved. Maybe I want to drown in the bottom of this bottle of sin. Maybe I want to fade away into the sky like this smoke I blow into the wind. Maybe I don’t care if the love is real because I prefer it to be fake. Maybe I prefer to hear the forgive me baby instead of the your my one and only lady. Maybe it gives me the out I secretly think about.
The chance to run as fast as I can before I fall for another promise he can’t keep. Just maybe he’s more afraid of me than I am of him. Afraid for me to make him feel the love he’s never had before and walk away with his heart in my hands and his tears on his pillow at night.
Maybe we don’t know love. What we thought was love was a Disney fairytale put into the color in our minds and made us feel good but not fulfilled. And if that’s so then how can I ask him to give me what I don’t know how to receive? If I can’t believe his truth then I won’t accept his love and isn’t that is more messed up than him telling me a lie? Are we whispering sweet nothings into each other’s minds to amplify the moans in the darkness of the night. Do I love you? Do you love me? Do you respect me for standing by your side and letting all that bs ride? And if so; then how?
By C L Cunningham