Dear grandpa,

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I cry for you. Even though I don’t let the tears flow, they are there. Inside my head, ripping apart my heart, and causing the air in my lungs to stop me from breathing. I called you one day. I knew you wouldn’t pick because you aren’t here. But the act of dialing gave me comfort. 
It’s game day today. I would have been excited to update you on the score and hear you say “yeah yeah gal” when I rub it in that your team was losing. You’d laugh at me and I’d smile. I lost that smile. 
I don’t know what to do without you. Everyday seems like a dream. I’m still with him, sorry that I’m not stronger paw paw. I know I deserve better, really I do know that. But you never told me how to leave when he begs me to stay. How to know when he’s telling the truth or feeding me lies. I wish you could tell me now; I’d pay attention now, I just wasn’t ready to listen then.
I miss you. My soul screams at the time that passes by without you. One whole year.. wasted. 

Nobody loves me like you did. Unconditional with no judgement. Even when I went crazy in the head you picked me up and took me with you. Didn’t say much on that 3hr drive just smiled and nodded your head to the beat of the music playing. I thank you for that. For being my saving grace on the way back to reality. For never putting me down for becoming a teen mom unlike all the other grandkids. I was your rebel and you loved me and now your gone.  

By C L Cunningham 

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